A collection of “_____ walks into a bar” jokes

  • Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
    The bartender says: “Sorry we don’t serve breakfast.”
  • So this grasshopper goes in to a bar and orders a drink.
    The bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
    The grasshopper says, “Oh yeah? Why would anyone name a drink ‘Steve’?”
  • Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
  • This fellow and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor.
    The bartender says, “Hey! What’s that lyin’ there?”
    The fellow says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe!”
  • The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
  • Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they’ll have.
    The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) “I’ll have a glass of O Positive.”
    The second vampire says, “I’ll have a glass of AB Negative.”
    The third vampire says, “I’m the designated driver. I’ll just have a glass of plasma.”
    The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, “Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!”
  • A weasel walks into a bar.
    The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
    “Pop,” goes the weasel.
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He gives a mean look around the room as everyone gets quiet. Then he says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”
  • Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
    You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
  • A ghost walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
  • An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink.
    “Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?”
    “Noooooooooo,” replies the anteater.
    “Then how about a gin and tonic?”
    “A martini?”
    Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking, why the long noes?”
  • A snake walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, “How the heck did you do that?”
  • A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
    “Yes, we do!”
    “Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”
  • A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”
    The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
  • A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please! And one for the road!”
  • A rabbi, a priest, and a chimpanzee walk into a bar.
    The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
  • A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts. After eating some nuts, he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.
    Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, “HEY! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!” The panda turns around and yells “Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!”
    So, the bartender looks up “Panda” in the encyclopedia, and it reads “Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.”
  • A hot dog walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”
  • A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
    The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
  • A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
    The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
    “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
    The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
    The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
  • I was in a London pub on Saturday night. I’d had a few drinks when I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
    One of them turned to me and screamed, “It’s WALES, you idiot!”
    So I immediately apologized, and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
    I can’t remember another thing from that night!
  • A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and… tonic.”
    The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
    The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know, I guess I was just born this way.”
  • C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
    So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat.
    F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
    D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, “Excuse me; I’ll just be a second.”
    Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
    E-Flat comes back in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp now. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
    Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
  • Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
    The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?”
    “Look,” Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
  • A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
    The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
    The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
    A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
    An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
    Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
    A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
    Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
    A question mark walks into a bar?
    A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
    Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
    A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
    A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
    Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
    A synonym strolls into a tavern.
    At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
    A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
    Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
    A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
    An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
    The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
    A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
    The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    A dyslexic walks into a bra.
    A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
    An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
    A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
    A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
    A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
  • A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
    The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
    The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”